The Rest in the Rise

"It's a season of rest," Katelin said to me over brunch. "Yeah," I replied, "It really feels like it is."

I had just gone on about my new place and the way the Lord has worked in my life and heart recently.

In January, I decided to try what many call their #OneWord for the year. This is the word that I carry with me, to inspire me and remind me, to be resolute about. The word I chose for 2016 is...

RISE.

A little bit of back story: I faced my darkest hour during the last half of 2015. On July 17th, a few of the words I noted to describe how I felt at the time were these:

hurt
defeated
inadequate
angry

The months following were a roller coaster of betrayal, resentment, anger, compassion, forgiveness, love, celebration, desire, hurt, confusion, more love, more hurt, more forgiveness, and still more confusion.

In November, speaking with a friend over the phone, I finally sobbed the words aloud: "I just feel so broken."

Yet healing slowly, slowly began to take place in my heart. And those words listed above were not words I wanted to carry with me into the new year.

So, this became my mantra:

"There is no force more powerful than a woman determined to rise."
-unknown

I had fallen, and hard.

I got back up. I faced my fears;

Up, and down. Up, and down.

January hit, and I was determined to rise.

And then a surprising thing happened:

A season of rest.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14 NIV

I had been fighting so hard for my worth, for my place, to simply stay intact. And though I'm finally coming out on the other side, I still face the triggers and the fears every day. Some days I think I'm the bravest of them all, for every day I get out there and strengthen my courage muscles. But I'm not doing it alone.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

I'm newly blessed with a peaceful little cottage outside of town. A place I can call my own for twelve months. A gathering place (for my soul as much as anything else). A house within whose walls I've committed LOVE, JOY, and PEACE. An intentional, designed life.

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15 NIV

So I've discovered that there is rest in the rise. 

As the earth gathers herself at night to prepare for each coming day, 

And as the Lord Himself left Earth for three whole days, 

In waiting, and trust, and rest-

It is truly the only way.

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles..." Isaiah 40:31 NASB

The Wanting and Waning of Love

"I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me, " I said, gutted by the truth.

It was one of those after-the-after-party kind of things.

Were we about to break up? Or, were we even in a relationship to begin with? Either way, he wasn't about to move mountains to be with me.

Still, he didn't want me to leave. Still, he opened a small corner of his heart.

"Come with me, I want to show you something," he said.

We sat in his car and he showed me a video that he had made-- the talented videographer that he was! I remember the glistening sunlight reflecting off the water droplets and coat of bright red paint, the liquid movement contrasting with the steely stillness of propellers at rest, the images drenched in a thoughtful piano melody. He invited me in, and I saw a glimpse of his world through his eyes. It brought tears to mine.

He had tapped into his own richness. His creativity. His insight. His true self, too-often masked. I saw something deep, and good, and whole in him. I saw someone well-acquainted with beauty. I saw someone brilliant, someone surprising.

And gosh, I saw that I was in great danger of falling in love. For the glimpse alone was profound.

Not to mention that, by his own admission, we couldn't stay away from each other. He became my best friend, the one person with whom I wanted to experience everything.

A year later, after late nights and early mornings, ice cream, and coffee, and I love you's in between, we were back there again, determining if we were in this together. We had hit the proverbial wall- that ugly one where trust was on the line. This time, he said these words:

"I can't not have you in my life....I don't want the door to close..."

I waited.

"Maybe that's selfish," he confessed.

"It's not selfish," I replied. "I want to be wanted. And I will never stop wanting you."

I once heard a writer friend express the sentiment that, sometimes, when somebody tells you, "I will always love you," they mean it... until they don't.

And so it was with us. It just.....unraveled.

I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me, I thought once more, for I knew it in my bones... except that I do.

And that's the great risk of falling in love.

You both have to want the same thing.