My new EP "A Burning Lot" is now for sale as a Pre-Release Digital Download!!!

You can find it on CDBaby.com for $6!!

Please help make this CD Release possible by purchasing, downloading and sharing with your friends!
Look for a CD Release Party at the end of January 2011!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Your gaze-
   it lingered long.
Amazed-
   your hand so strong,
Upon my back,
Across my shoulder blade-
What a loving attempt you made!

08/2010

Venus' bright light is flashing softly in the sky
Behind the streams of clouds and July days as they pass by;
And one more day that I recall a smile fair and kind
Oh, what a kiss would I bestow-
   on those lips I know-
   the very lips that spread so wide.

August is upon me and the silence still remains
And littered in between the stars are clouds that carry rain;
Love is just a far cry out into the empty space
Oh, but the love I could bestow-
   if only he could know
   my very heart and my embrace.

When I swore the open sea a fire lit,
Then I knew in me 'twas He who offered it.
When desert land once desolate now laden with the dew
That gathers to a current, it's He who makes it new.

I've been feeling very conflicted over something for a long time, and- whether or not I have any say in the circumstances of my life- now that I know how I feel, I have peace about it and freedom to love with my whole heart.

Ticking Time Bombs
Copyright 2010, by Victoria Bailey

There's a little town with a train going through
And I cannot stop it-
My thinking of you

Ticking time bombs and the weight of it all
There are miles in between us
There is grace to cover us so

I'm a quiet woman who can't seem to find the words
There is hope in my head-
A blessing and a curse

Ticking time bombs and the weight of it all
There are miles in between us
There is grace to cover us so

Love, take over
Love, take over
Love, cover over all my wrong

Ticking time bombs and the weight of it all
There are miles in between us
There is grace to cover us so

I wrote most of this song in the early spring of this year. We almost recorded it in Nashville in April, but it ended up on the studio cutting room floor. The melody was great, but the chords and picking pattern didn't fit the song. And what I realized this week is that the original bridge didn't make sense. Ultimately, this song wasn't at the time what it was meant to be.

I've been thinking a lot these past two weeks about two biblical promises of love--
Perfect love drives out fear.
Love covers over all wrongs.

Emotionally, the song is based on my experience of simultaneously having a deep longing for one person, but discovering my surprising amount of affection for someone else. Although what I felt for them has since dissipated, I find that the same theme has recurred months later. And as much as I want to love rightly, I continue to mess up and not love well.

Thomas Merton speaks of the good of the beloved. Love is not self-seeking. There is no fear in loving him whose good is what I hope for. Everything else falls away.

And so I need Love to take over. Merton says that in loving our brother, not only should our love be selfless, but we should love as if God's providence in his life depends on our loving him well. I'm no good at it, and so, I need Love to take over when I try and fail and I need Love to cover over all the wrong I do in the process.

Standing Small's new album: Asleep at the Oars, Dreaming of Freedom

After 3 long years and much anticipation from their growing and ever-loyal fanbase, Knoxville-based Standing Small has finally released their new album, Asleep at the Oars, Dreaming of Freedom.  Frontman and songwriter, Ryan Fletcher, may not be a true vocalist, but he makes a bold move with his falsetto, and it pays off at just the right moments throughout the entire catalogue. And though I find an awkward meter of the lyric at times, the lyrical content is strong and unabashedly honest. Despite these minor flaws, the band has embraced their indie sound and such things can easily be dismissed. The album as a whole is like reading a chapter in the book of Psalms, uttering both pain and praise in the same breath, and taking us on a journey of turmoil, trouble, and ultimately to salvation and redemption.

The album begins with a faint and pleasant piano intro before jumping headfirst into a driving bass and drum that carries us off into the rest of the experience. It truly is an experience- sonically and spiritually- from start to finish. By the second song, Forsaken, I am completely drawn in, thankfully, for there I find not just a glimpse into the album's namesake, but also my favorite lyric:

I'm caught in a love affair, the fruit of which will only bear
A fleeting sense of worth to which I'll soon curse
I'm waiting for the day when you will call me home
And whisper in my ears the things I long to hear
I'm overcome by all the things I know
I'm burdened by the love I have to show
I'm dreaming of a day when we will all be free.

The haunting quality of Man Overboard, and the title alone, impresses upon us a sense of despair and urgency, saying, "Bring me back home... I'm a man overboard."  By the time we reach Call in the Troops, we fully recognize that we are in trouble and in need of rescue. The most folk-influenced song with its almost saloon-like piano, provided by keyboardist Ben Howard, gives us the slightest hint of feeling that there is hope somewhere up ahead. But not quite yet.

Not until we reach Out of Control do we arrive at the climax and descent into resolution. Fletcher couldn't be more honest in saying "I feel so out of control and it's becoming all I know/And I'm overcome with joy as I'm falling to my knees." Releasing us into an easy drum beat and cool electric guitar (Corey Goins and Joseph Dunlap, respectively) before lifting us up once again, the ultimate hope here is that "He's breaking down the walls to show that He's the God of all," and we are allowed to rest and find joy in that knowledge. Restoration and redemption finally occur in Hallowed and Two Hands, the first of which is sung almost entirely in falsetto for the first half of the song. Imagine it sans drums and that heavy bass and it could be a lullaby. They made the right choice, however, with every beat perfectly punctuated. The final song closes the record with peace, the kind we can only find on the other side of despair, the place where God has turned darkness into light. Simply two verses and a chorus- if you can call it that- a line repeated: "May the peace of God wash over all our bones." It is not just a closing, not just a wish, but a blessing.

A band that cares more about ministry than money, Standing Small has offered a free, full-length pre-release download on http://www.indievisionmusic.com/. Find more from Standing Small on Facebook, Myspace, and their newly designed website: http://www.standing-small.com/.

I believe in writing letters.

Not many people know this, but I once received a love letter from a boy in the military. We had never met. I was seventeen, he was twenty. His name was Justin, and he and my brother Brian were at basic training together at Ft. Knox. I was in my senior year of high school.

As it is with guys in the service, they need encouragement to help them make it through Basic, so we sent Brian lots of letters, one of which included a photo of me in a red, sleeveless turtleneck and a North Carolina tan-- my senior portrait. A few weeks later, I receive a letter in return, and on the outside of the envelope is written in my brother's handwriting, "It's okay, sis. [He] is cool, and I already read it." I open it up and there's a letter from this guy- 1 small page, black pen, all caps. Included is a picture of him, head shaved, dressed in his BDU's, one eyebrow lifted and bulging his right bicep. I immediately think, "Typical guy. He's not been around girls for weeks and he just wants some action." I reluctantly proceed to read this letter, in which he describes that he's from south Georgia, had recently had a birthday, that he and my brother (who apparently was running around the barracks like a ninja) were in squad together, professed his love for me and that he hoped I would come see him on Family Day. I blew it off.

A few weeks went by, and my family traveled down to Kentucky to visit my bro for Family Day. At the banquet that evening I got to meet this Justin. He was so sweet and so shy, which completely surprised me. He was nervous meeting me! Nervous. Meeting me. I had never- and still, to this day have never- had that effect on a guy, which makes me feel like in that single, passing moment he and I shared something special. For the first time, I felt...worth it. He very quietly voiced the words (in his deep southern accent), "Why didn't you write me back?" I then felt like a complete idiot. I didn't see his family there that weekend. I realized that maybe he was just lonely and needed someone to write to him. Maybe part of him was, in fact, being a "typical guy..." but I believe that he was sincere in his gesture. I could tell he was hurt that I didn't write him back. I never saw nor heard from him again.

I'm pretty sure he was sent to Bosnia shortly thereafter. Don't ask me how I know this. But sometimes when I'm looking through my jewelry box my fingers will brush that single letter, and I remember how powerful it is. There's something so personal in letters. Someone else's fingers touched that very page. Someone thought through what they were going to say before putting pen to paper. For me, as a seventeen-year-old, that whole experience was a right of passage, and I don't think it's crazy to hold on to that. I will always remember what he said and how he made me feel.

I recently had two separate conversations with different recording artists, one of whom is in an up-and-coming band who've begun getting more recognition and radio airplay in the past year, another of whom is semi-retired now but was once a member of one of the biggest bands in the Christian music industry. These conversations fascinate me because each person holds a vastly different perspective on the industry at this point in their careers. It goes something like this.

The first person stressed the importance of experience, touring and ticket sales. Smaller bands want to get on board with bigger bands so that they can gain some recognition and credibility, and as a result, to grow their own fanbase and further their career. But the bigger bands want to bring on bands who already have that. They need to know that the smaller bands may even help them sell tickets-- in all markets-- meaning, not only are they a quality act, but also that they already have that sought-after fanbase. It's a catch-22 that makes up one reason why starting out is so difficult. It's the same way in any job market. You need experience to land a job, but no one will hire you because you don't have experience. This emphasis is industrial and impersonal, but necessary to "make it." Before I move on, let me say that I find no fault with that view. It is wise advice.

The other person is someone who I've been acquaintances with for years, have seen play in arenas and tour internationally. He's now involved in a smaller, independent project, and I went to see him a few weeks ago at a small church on the outskirts of town. There were about 100 people in attendance. I was honestly a little concerned over the lack of publicity and people there, but he said something so profound to me. In the most gentle way, he said, "It was a good show. It felt like the people who needed to be here were here. We're just so over.....the egos."

Let's be honest. We've all traveled 6 hours to play a show for 5 people, and it can do a bit of damage to a spirit. I think for an artist starting out in this industry, you've gotta be ready to put up a fight. You've gotta be relentless. It's awful, and I don't know why we put ourselves through it. But we do, and we hope that somewhere on the other end peoples' lives will somehow be touched. So whether you're just getting your first single on the radio or you've had 10 #1 Hits or you're just making $10 in a tip jar, what is it that you concern yourself with?

The Beauty of Solitude

I've always made it a point to seek and find times of solitude in my life. Usually it comes pretty easily. Being the only girl between two boys, growing up I had no trouble getting away to my room to play with my dolls, or my kitchen set, or even read a book. My brothers weren't exactly interested in joining me to play such girly games. And, though there were times when I'd join them for a round of baseball in the backyard or a trip to explore the creekbed behind our house, I was perfectly content not to join their adventures if my heart longed for something else, some other company, or just my own path. I have not changed, and I am certainly a grown-up free-spirit.

To this day, I take pleasure to come and go as I please. My happiest days are often my most independent. I hate schedules and obligations, and am usually late to every appointment I make because, well, something else caught my eye or I just want a little more time to do this one thing...

I recently had the most delightful morning I've had in a long time. I played a show in Gray, TN near where I went to college. My friends, Standing Small, were scheduled to play as well but were unable to make it. After many texts and phone calls and provision by a gracious God, I played the show- but more importantly- I enjoyed an unexpected stay in Johnson City that night. The next morning, I woke up early to grab some coffee at my favorite (and much missed) local coffeeshop. I arrived shortly after 9am and waited until meeting with my friend Kaci on her lunch break, just after 11. For two hours, I enjoyed my coffee and the most amazing white chocolate orange scone, and read several chapters from the book of Acts. It was quite peaceful. I often eat by myself, but not alone. People wonder how I can do that and they sometimes think that it's weird. But to me, of my own choosing, I take some time to myself without feeling the anxiety of "needing" to be with people. What made the morning most delightful was the surprise of seeing old friends walk in to the coffeeshop and around town. It was unexpected. It brought back love and memories. It wasn't a situation that I created, but rather discovered. And therein lies the beauty of solitude.

Believe me, I have felt loneliness so strong that I cry myself to sleep and think that no one would miss me if I were gone. I know how it feels to be surrounded by friends and still feel that no one really knows me or accepts me. But I believe in hope and a God of love. I believe that people are created for other people. Once, a friend described my quietness as "nurturing [my] spirit." To nurture your spirit in an act of solitude (or even quietness) you must have a core community, a place where you are accepted and loved. These old friends that stepped back into my life for a few minutes one long weekend in Tennessee reminded me of my place in the world, in a community no matter how distant from home. It is these kinds of relationships- and more- that allow me the confidence and the peace to retreat for awhile, to nurture and grow, and to listen to God. To do so on a regular basis gives me much peace, calm awareness, and unexpected joy. You know you've found solitude when you are, as C.S. Lewis says, "surprised by joy."

I spent this past weekend living on the side of a mountain midway between Knoxville and Chattanooga, Tennessee. I had no internet and no cell phone service all weekend. It was very nice. But before I left, I was getting on Facebook, and updating my Twitter page, and making sure I was going to receive all my text updates. I couldn't wait to tell the world what I was doing on the Artist Retreat for 3 days, hoping to share all that God would teach me and all the amazing music we would create.

The weekend, as with most of my life it seems, did not turn out quite as I had planned. The no cell phone service thing was actually a relief! I didn't have to "keep up" with anything or anyone. I wasn't attached to the things of this world that distract me and pull me and captivate my attention in my day to day life. During one of our devotions the speaker said that those things that you think about all the time are your idols, and he challenged us to question what it is that is always on our minds. For me, some of those things include: my hope and desire to get married someday, how I can improve my songwriting and market myself as an independent musician, worry about bills, and honestly, sadly, "Oh, I should Tweet that!" Which is kind of funny, given such a serious list. But it's true. Somehow things like Twitter and Facebook become this MO for Vanity, rather than a tool to bring Christ to light in our lives and to share our faith. So needless to say, it was wonderful to get away...although it was sorta fun to catch up when I got home! :)

Speaking of songwriting, that was another thing that did not go as planned... I had hoped that in my "getting away" I would be able to focus my thoughts and energy into writing some songs and journaling some things I expected God would teach me. But let me just tell you, it was SO cold! I may have gotten away from the world, but I couldn't get away from all the other people there! Which I didn't mind one bit. I loved everyone. I loved that there was music playing almost 24-7, even though it meant you couldn't go into another room and write because there was music playing 15 feet away in the other room. I couldn't exactly leave the warmth of the lodge, the fireplace, or the hot chocolate to try to write in another freezing building. Like the cabin. The cabin where we slept with space heaters and yet it was 45 degrees that first night (10 degrees outside!).

The cold weather and this chest congestion I've had for 2 weeks now kept me indoors all weekend. While others were outside playing disc golf, blacksmithing (yep, blacksmithing), and ziplining, I stayed in by the fire and let the magic of my codeine-cough-syrup-induced sleep take over. So, though my weekend wasn't very productive, it was relaxing. It was restful. God brought some amazing people into my life, and I made some fantastic new friends. And really, isn't that what it's all about anyway? Relationships. Eating meals together. Playing together. Sharing our gifts with each other. Bringing glory to God for the wonders He works in our lives.