Thoughts from Both Sides of the Bullying Fence

There was once a girl I knew in middle school who was tall, with long, orange hair and glasses, very soft-spoken and actually quite kind. One day, a friend and I had her standing there between us and the white block walls of our Spanish classroom. I don't remember what was said—or who said it—but she replied, hurt, "You're fools." I knew she was religious and that I could use her faith against her, so I arrogantly responded, "The Bible says if you call someone a fool then you're in danger of hell." I even pointed her to the passage in Matthew (for her faith was my faith, too, though I knew little of following Christ). Her countenance fell, and I thought I'd won.

Another time, a friend and I got to talking about that same girl I bullied in Spanish class. We made up a ridiculous song about her; we'd sing it in the locker room and told her it was about a movie character of the same name and gosh, those similarities were just uncanny!

Horrible.

I bullied. I was a middle school kid desperate to fit in, to belong somewhere among my peers, even if it was with others who bullied as well.

I bullied because I thought I'd feel better—I didn't.
I bullied because I thought I was right—I wasn't.
I bullied because I was lonely—maybe I thought isolating someone else would make me feel less alone, more acceptable in the eyes of my popular peers—it didn't ease the ache.

You see, at this time in my life, my family was barely holding itself together, and trying to make friends at a new school was harder than I ever expected. If I had looked in the mirror and loved my own awkward middle school self, maybe I wouldn't have judged her for what I thought was her awkward middle school self. If I'd known my family was secure, maybe I wouldn't have struggled as much with insecurity among my classmates. If I'd felt loved and accepted at school, I would have loved her too, for love can't help but to overflow and embrace. I wanted to be good, and in many ways I was, but I was hurting. Even so, I didn't recognize the hurt and the attitude for what it was.

When you bully someone, it isn't the truth that you speak. When you back someone up against a wall, it isn't love that you offer. When you call someone names, when you threaten, when you mock or make condescending remarks in someone's face, you're not sharing your "wisdom." You're just plain being a bully. I know because I was one. You're speaking out of your own pain and moving in your own fear.

Bullying manifests itself from the deep-seated belief that I'm not enough, a belief that is most likely disguised by feelings and actions of superiority. 

Brené Brown details more of this idea in her book Daring Greatly, where she also lays out this truth bomb:

"When we feel good about the choices we're making and when we're engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack."

Wow.

As surely as I've doled it out, I've also been on the receiving end of attack. So, what do you do when your back's against the wall? Well, for starters, understand that saying: Hurt people hurt people. It's so simple, yet I believe it 100%. Having been on both sides of the fence, here's my advice.

1. Understand that their words and actions are THEIR choice. It is more a reflection of them than you.

2. Understand that they are coming from a place of fear, pain, insecurity, or judgment. Being fair is irrelevant to them, maybe even "beneath" them. Resolution may also be of no interest to them, so in that case, you may just need to do your part and let it go.

3. Take an honest look at yourself and ask if you DID, in fact, do anything to trigger such a negative response in them, and if so, apologize. (Keyword: trigger. Again, their response is their responsibility.) If not, understand that their accusations are unfounded, stand up for yourself and the truth, and move on.

4. Stand tall in who you are. Keep the truth of your worth in the front of your mind as much as possible.

5. Never underestimate grace, either for yourself or for them. Grace and forgiveness do not equal absolution. BUT, responding with grace is YOUR choice, and a reflection of who you are.

Finally, I'd like to offer one more piece of advice, whether you are bullied or the one doing the bullying. This idea came from Lucas Gifford in a podcast called Head to Heart. He says:

"If I'm feeling anything other than the fruit of the Spirit for someone, then I know that I'm triggering."

I've taken this idea and incorporated it into my every day interactions by asking myself:

Do I feel love for this person? Do I feel joy for this person? Do I feel peace for him? Do I have patience for her? Am I being kind? Et cetera.

Answering those questions honestly helps me to gauge my emotional and spiritual sense of where I am, consider what's triggering me and why, and to realign myself where necessary. It has helped me immensely.

Last night, one of my pastors said, "All broken people are on a journey." It's true.

I wish I could apologize to Sharon for the things I said and how I made her feel. What eventually happened between us and my life through middle school was this: She continued to be kind to me. One day, a group from our social studies class gathered at her house to work on a project we were assigned to do together. I got to know her a bit better, learned where she was from, saw her interact with everyone in a new way, full of grace. Her mom was so gentle, so generous, and so kind, and suddenly everything made more sense. I wanted love the way I saw it in her and her family. Sharon left my school after that year, and it took me another couple of years before I found my group of friends who are still my besties to this day. I was not popular, but I was loved, and I learned to love better, too.

"For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."  Luke 6:45

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18 (really, this whole chapter)

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."  Galatians 5:22-23