What Nobody Told Me About Sex Before Marriage

In the middle of my parents' divorce, my dad said something to me I will never forget. He said, "Never have sex outside of marriage. It will bring trouble into your marriage." He was talking about premarital sex. I was thirteen, and there was no way my mind could have conceived the depth of what he meant. Regardless, I had already taken the "purity pledge," and thought I'd be safe from such trouble in my life.

What I learned about sex growing up was this:

•God wanted me to save sex for marriage.

•I needed to cherish my purity and give it to my future husband as a "gift" to him on our wedding night, all ribbons and bows to be carefully unwrapped.

•Abstinence was the best way to stay safe from STD's.

I also learned that sex is very, very good because it was designed by a loving God.

And it is.

Because I knew sex is good (inherently good, not merely pleasurable), I never felt afraid or ashamed of it. But somewhere along the line, I decided to trade in sex within a healthy, covenantal relationship for sex within "a healthy, growing relationship" (my exact words). Like that would suffice.

What nobody told me about sex is this: It would create feelings of intense LOYALTY.

And this is one reason why it's designed for marriage. Once I gave myself to someone, I could not possibly fathom, ever in all my life, being with someone else.

Nor did I want to. Even after everything we'd been through, I would have still chosen him- my capacity to love continued to grow. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let me first iterate the beautiful fact that I loved this man completely- in love with him. Head over heels. I had told this man that I loved him, and he had told me that he loved me as well.

When what eventually turned out to be an unhealthy, unreciprocated relationship came to an end, I was completely devastated. I was so broken I wanted to cease existing.

The world tried to tell me, "You need to go out and sleep with someone else to get your mind off of him," or "You should try dating other men, see what's out there, find someone to distract you." But my answer was always, "No, I need to get healthy first."

Because let me tell you. YOU WILL NOT HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF HEALTHY FIRST. And the way to get healthy is not by finding someone new.

"...a healthy person coupled with an unhealthy person will still result in an unhealthy relationship."

-Donald Miller, Scary Close

For my health and for my future, I knew I had to do some hard work. I knew I had to walk through brokenness in order not to live there. (That's another story for another day.) So I spent months trying to get my heart and mind right again.

Even today, there are times when the damage can't seem to be undone. But the same One who created the beauty of sex also created my beautiful, but shattered heart, and He is the only One who can fully redeem it, restore it, and heal it.

Imagine a piece of cloth ripped down the middle. Imagine these new edges, frayed where once they were unified. That's how my soul felt. The frayed edges could never fit back together the way they had so perfectly been knit before. Even if the two pieces were sewn back together, the stitching would make a seam, a scar. I imagined how a person who had sewn (and ripped apart) him or herself to others time and time again would have built up many seams, and many more scars one on top of the other. The place would become hard. 

Jesus doesn't want that for us. Like any good doctor, He wants to remove our scar tissue.

Jesus showed me something the other day. He showed me images of stories in the New Testament where His hand touching peoples' infirmities brought complete healing and restoration. I saw blind eyes fill with the glisten of life. I saw boils transform into smooth skin. I saw the flow of hemorrhage stop. He then showed me that the only way for my edges to be restored is by His touch, if only I would ask Him for it. He so longs to love us back to health. So I did. I saw my edges finely bound with the precision of a Master's handiwork.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

I don't know how this will play out in the future should the Lord be so kind as to bring someone new into my life. I pray that my desire will be only for him and his for me. I imagine we'll have many deep and honest heart talks, and we'll learn early on about forgiveness. I hope if it happens he'll see me as God sees me, fully loved and whole in heart.

If you are dealing with unhealed pain from trauma or other wounds, I highly recommend a new book by Christa Black Gifford, entitled Heart Made Whole and her subsequent podcast with husband Lucas Gifford, "Head to Heart."