Until the Water Runs Cold

Have you ever had one of those mornings when you are so emotionally hurt, sad, or confused that you stand in the shower crying until the water runs cold? I had one of those mornings a few weeks ago.

It wasn't until driving to work last Monday (after spending the holidays feeling like everything and nothing was right) that I realized I can't fix my own pain. And I can't focus on it because I can't fix it. Do you know what focusing on your own pain does? It creates more pain. But I can take the small, necessary steps to get there, to heal.

When I was a child, I used to have these phantom chest pains that would come and go and I thought I couldn't breathe. They took me to the doctor, and I somehow ended up with an inhaler for a condition that I didn't have... One day, my dad said to me, "Maybe if you stop thinking about it it will go away. Sometimes things are psychological." I did, and they did.
(Also, those things that are "psychological"-- they're called fears.)

I said a prayer that morning on my drive.  I prayed to God, who loves me and who is the only one who truly knows the depth and breadth of what I struggle with. I prayed to Him who knows what I need to begin and then completely heal. I learned that I can't focus on the things I can't fix. But I can focus on what I can change-- my attitude, my perspective, my part in relationships that need mending. And, if necessary, I can choose one more day of patience.