"I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me, " I said, gutted by the truth.
It was one of those after-the-after-party kind of things.
Were we about to break up? Or, were we even in a relationship to begin with? Either way, he wasn't about to move mountains to be with me.
Still, he didn't want me to leave. Still, he opened a small corner of his heart.
"Come with me, I want to show you something," he said.
We sat in his car and he showed me a video that he had made-- the talented videographer that he was! I remember the glistening sunlight reflecting off the water droplets and coat of bright red paint, the liquid movement contrasting with the steely stillness of propellers at rest, the images drenched in a thoughtful piano melody. He invited me in, and I saw a glimpse of his world through his eyes. It brought tears to mine.
He had tapped into his own richness. His creativity. His insight. His true self, too-often masked. I saw something deep, and good, and whole in him. I saw someone well-acquainted with beauty. I saw someone brilliant, someone surprising.
And gosh, I saw that I was in great danger of falling in love. For the glimpse alone was profound.
Not to mention that, by his own admission, we couldn't stay away from each other. He became my best friend, the one person with whom I wanted to experience everything.
A year later, after late nights and early mornings, ice cream, and coffee, and I love you's in between, we were back there again, determining if we were in this together. We had hit the proverbial wall- that ugly one where trust was on the line. This time, he said these words:
"I can't not have you in my life....I don't want the door to close..."
I waited.
"Maybe that's selfish," he confessed.
"It's not selfish," I replied. "I want to be wanted. And I will never stop wanting you."
I once heard a writer friend express the sentiment that, sometimes, when somebody tells you, "I will always love you," they mean it... until they don't.
And so it was with us. It just.....unraveled.
I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me, I thought once more, for I knew it in my bones... except that I do.
And that's the great risk of falling in love.
You both have to want the same thing.
